when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
