my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
