A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
