Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
