I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
