Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
