I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
