I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
