Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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