eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
