You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
