we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
