and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
