your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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