he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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