i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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