We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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