YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
