Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
