i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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