My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
