your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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