K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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