i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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