i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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