Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
