I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
