dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
