Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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