Four minutes until I can fart!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
