White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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