Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
