I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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