im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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