I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
