So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
