You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
