he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
