u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
