is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
