Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
