Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
