in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
