we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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