i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
