listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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