I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
