We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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