then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
