I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
