When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
